Cover Story
by Carolyn Stent
"I was 26, and I struggled with leaving home."
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Adult singles opt to live
at home with parents
classical guitar. -Carolyn Stent, photo
Donna Keib returned home with her teaching degree in 1968 and has not left since. For 30 years she taught the children of Crestline, Ohio, her hometown. Each afternoon she cleaned the chalkboard, turned off the lights and closed the door of the third grade classroom. At home, she prepared supper for her parents. Ms. Keib, 54, has lived at home since graduating from Cedarville College.
Ms. Keib rarely considered establishing her own home. Although she and her cousin discussed moving out together, the idea never became reality.
"There was always something to keep us together," Ms. Keib said of her family. That "something" was poor health. Ms. Keib's mother became ill soon after her daughter graduated from college. Ms. Keib moved home to care for her mother and gradually took over the household duties.
According to the 1994 U.S. Census, approximately 15 percent of U.S. homes include a child 18 or older. An article in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch estimated that 11 million young adults in their 20s still sleep in their childhood rooms.
Experts point to various reasons for this social trend. Tim Howell, licensed professional counselor and ordained minister, said that in some cases adult children remain at home because a traumatic experience has stunted their growth. Others struggle with the transition from being a dependent child to becoming independent adults.
Dr. Day, family counselor and author, said that these adults are often taking the safe way out of the difficulties in such a transition.
Doreen Ratzlaff moved about 2,200 miles across the country to make this transition. After living with her parents in Dallas, Ore., for five years, she moved to Elkhart, Ind. "I was 26, and I struggled with leaving home," Ms. Ratzlaff admitted.
Although the first months were difficult, Ms. Ratzlaff stayed in Indiana for 10 years. She worked as a secretary in the headquarters of the Africa Inter-Mennonite Mission. Living alone helped her to discover her strengths and weaknesses. She found a church that met her needs, such as a daily solid connection with another Christian. "That church became my family," Ms. Ratzlaff said.
Economic considerations are a primary reason why young adults live at home. Almost 4 million adults in their 20s who live at home are students. Living at home costs much less than room and board elsewhere. Other adults choose to stay at home to work and save for a comfortable home of their own.
Arlyn Clinton, 49, drives a delivery truck during the day but returns to Mom and Dad in the evening. He never left home, not even during five years of college. Mr. Clinton said that he wouldn't enjoy living alone. "When I meet the right one, I'll move out and get a place of my own," he said.
Mr. Clinton voices the sentiment of many singles who remain at home until they get married. However, some people do not realize the marrying age has increased. Men now marry at a median age of 26 and women at 24, a four-year increase from 30 years ago.
For many adults who live at home, the opportunity for marriage does not arise. These adults "begin to be safe in their environment and [the prospect of] leaving becomes too scary," Dr. Day said. He recommended adults stay at home no longer than six months.
Women often live at home in a care-giving role, as in Ms. Keib's case. After her mother died, Ms. Keib re-mained at home to care for her father.
Some women seek the refuge of their parents' home while they recover from a painful relationship. More often, women remain at home for the security they find there.
Living at home affects the social lives of many adults. "It's not always convenient to invite friends over," Mr. Clinton admitted.
Ms. Keib agreed. "I am not as free as maybe I could have been," she said. Rather than entertain, Ms. Keib goes out on Saturdays with her friends and attends local high school sports events.
Dr. Day said that adults who remain at home do not separate from their parents emotionally. In addition, they do not learn to make difficult decisions. As a result, their growth is stunted.
Ms. Ratzlaff said that living on her own gave her a chance to decide whether she would live by God's rules because she wanted to or because her parents do. "Mom says I grew up out there," Ms. Ratzlaff said.
Dr. Day points out that parents lose their privacy when an adult child moves back home. He emphasizes the importance of communicating with each other and cooperating.
Dr. Howell suggested that the parents and adult child make some form of contract or family constitution so that the ground rules are clearly established. They need to agree on the adult child's responsibilities around the home, on inviting friends over, and on a curfew for weekdays and weekends.
Both Ms. Keib and Mr. Clinton testified to the benefits of having Jesus Christ as the third person in their relationship with their parents. Ms. Keib said that living at home worked because hers was a close Christian family.
Ms. Ratzlaff, 47, continues to live alone although she is now only five minutes away from her parents. She has realized that her true needs are met in Jesus Christ and by the family of God. Living alone forces her to "reach out for help instead of living under the shelter of my parents," Ms. Ratzlaff said.
Ms. Ratzlaff plays the piano and sings in her church choir. However, she most enjoys drinking coffee with her friends. Ms. Keib's father died more than five years ago. She now lives alone in the house she shared with her parents. She has retired, but does some substitute teaching. Mr. Clinton continues to work and live with his parents. He plays classical guitar in his free time and gives an occasional concert.
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