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by Stephen Harris

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Psychologist Challenges How Christians Date

In this 235-page paperback, Dr. Henry Cloud tells how to take dating seriously and critiques love at first sight. --Zondervan, cover

Christians are missing the point of dating, according to Dr. Henry Cloud, a famous Christian psychologist. He has written a book challenging the Christian community's anti-dating stance.

In his book, titled "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping," Dr. Cloud answers the question, "How should a person date?"

The Voice spoke with Dr. Cloud, who also wrote the popular book "Boundaries," to hear his perspective on dating.

The Voice: What is the purpose of dating?

Henry Cloud: The purpose of dating is to have meaningful experiences for everything from fun to social interaction, to learning, to maturity, to enhancing another person's life and experience.

Some people see the purpose of dating as finding a mate. The ones that tend to take that view are the ones that I think are more apt to remain stuck.

The Voice: How would you define a date?

Henry Cloud: To go out and have fun and experience something together. It doesn't have to be serious, and it doesn't have to have any agenda other than the date. You know, "Let's go to a movie and a dinner, and enjoy each other's company." That's what I would call a date.

The Voice: Overall, what would a good dating strategy look like?

Henry Cloud: I think the first strategy is that you've got to know who you are, what's important to you, why you're dating [and] what your weaknesses are that might get in the way of those goals.

Dating done well takes a tremendous amount of support from people who have their heads screwed on straight. I think the strategy needs to be to begin to change your view of dating, to see it as a prime end unto itself that could lead to other things -- but doesn't have to -- with good people where you learn and grow and have a good time.

The Voice: What do you think of the idea that people should wait for God to bring them a mate?

Henry Cloud: When you go throughout the Scripture, [you see that] people have taken proactive steps. In all those instances, they have asked God to lead them and to provide for them, but secondly, they have taken steps. That is the created order in every other aspect of life.

This weirdness of holing up in a bomb shelter and expecting the perfect person to be able to dig through 50 meters of concrete to find you -- it's not biblical. Is that how they found Multnomah?

The Voice: What do you think of group dating compared with singular dating?

Henry Cloud: I think it's a great idea to do a bunch of different stuff with a bunch of different people.

But at some point you're going to have to take the next step. A lot of good things are going to happen that can't happen in a group.

It's time for Christians to graduate from the theology of fear to the theology of wisdom, which says, "There are different answers for different people."

The Voice: How can students show their physical affection in appropriate ways?

Henry Cloud: I think what people need to think about is that physical affection should be something that is [involved] with integrity. What integrity means is wholeness -- your heart, your mind, your body, your soul and your passions. In a holy person those are wholly integrated; they're together.

Your body's not going out doing something that your heart's not into but only your hormones are into. So it needs to be appropriate for the relationship. And I should add, within biblical parameters.

The Voice: At what point should a student become exclusive with a dating partner?

Henry Cloud: I see people become exclusive by default. They're serially monogamous -- not in a sexual sense, but in a dating sense.

I've got a phrase: "To become exclusive, somebody stands out in the crowd." Well, that presupposes a crowd. Some people become exclusive on a desert island when one person shows up.

The Voice: In your book, you encourage people to develop a dating support team. How should students go about creating this team?

Henry Cloud: Everybody needs the body of Christ. You don't have to call it a dating team, but you certainly need wise people, honest people, strong people and godly people who walk through every area of your life.

The Voice: What do you think of online dating services?

Henry Cloud: Love 'em. If you're in high school or college -- and you don't live in a town of 85 people -- you're in a dating pond. There's all sorts of people your same age-group, [and] they're single for the most part. There's structured experiences to get to know them, so if you can't find a date, then there are other things to work on.

When people get out of school and enter adulthood, then that's gone pretty fast. So all a good dating service does is bring people back on a farm together. In my experience in coaching adults, [I've seen] huge, huge successes [with dating services in general].

The Voice: What would you say to Christians who teach against dating?

Henry Cloud: Generally people that teach against stuff like that aren't listening, so I usually don't talk to them. They're not asking my opinion, so I don't have much to say about them. I'd have a lot to say to the people who are listening to them.

To read the full transcript of this interview, click here.

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