Cover Story
by Carolyn Stent
"Part of modesty is not trying to attract attention by external things."
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Modesty an attitude
of respect for others
Society has relegated modesty to the pages of history. Now college students vote on whether or not they want co-ed bathrooms on their dormitory floor. Men and women are ridiculed for their lack of sexual experience. Sex education programs start in fourth grade classrooms. Christians are not immune to this loss of modesty.
Professor Carley Wecks, seminary dean of students; Dr. Tom Kopp, chairperson of the intercultural studies department; Mrs. Muriel Cook, counselor at large; and Hailey McAfee, 22, senior speech communication major, talked about the role modesty plays in our lives today.
Q. How do you define modesty?
Professor Wecks: It's an attitude recognizing what's appropriate to the situation, and one that doesn't compromise another person.
Dr. Kopp: Modesty is much more than dress. Women and men both need modesty. So much is an attitude of respect for each other: how you greet each other; how you look at each other; how you yawn, sneeze or laugh.
Mrs. Cook: Modesty is much bigger than sexual immodesty. It involves my actions toward others. In being modest, I'm trying to guard the other people's privacy and understand the limits of what they feel is personal. Modesty also requires me not
to expose my intimate or personal
affairs until the appropriate time.
So modesty is not just covering up my body. It's my regard for other people. Immodesty is thinking we are brave enough to say words that should be used with discretion, such as bathroom words or sexual things, just
to get a laugh or get attention.
McAfee: Modesty has to start inside with an attitude that is then reflected in dress, language and non-verbal actions. Modesty is really determined by culture and location. Southern California, where I am from, has a different level of modesty than
in the Northwest.
Q. What are some areas in which our society has lost modesty?
Professor Wecks: Language-- junior high swear words have to do with everything from bodily functions to sexual innuendos. Joking and talking about sex so casually, even in the guise of health issues. Talking about it before children even have an abstract thinking ability.
The 1920s women's magazines really stressed character qualities, now you look at women's magazines and they are all about how to attract a guy through dress and makeup. Part of modesty is not trying to attract attention by external things.
Dr. Kopp: Disrespect in terms of how kids treat their parents or anybody in a position of authority. I think of dress, which is what most people think of when they think of modesty. I think of speech; some people love to be crude just to have a shock component.
Mrs. Cook: Society has made fun of modesty, saying don't be prudish. For example, if a young girl is still a virgin, that is scoffed at.
We learn wisdom and knowledge through discernment. You want 2-year-old to know the stove is hot so you turn on the burner and hold the child's hand above the heat and say it's hot; don't touch it. We wouldn't think of pushing that little hand down on that hot stove. But that's what the world is trying to do to us.
McAfee: The vulgarity in the movie scene just continues to get worse, although society in general is kind of keeping up with that. We watch old movies and think, "If only it were that modest these days." Well, back then movies were still racy. They have always been a step ahead or leaning on the edge of what is going on in society.
The stuff with Clinton also made me realize things are really bad. If your leadership is off like that, then what can you expect. People's lives are becoming a lot more public. Society doesn't ostracize people for their private lives anymore.
Q. How does modesty or a lack of it affect our relationships and families?
Professor Wecks: Men have become desensitized into thinking it's okay to make fun of women. The cultural lack of respect for women bleeds over into our Christian homes. We see this in jokes about husbands and wives and about off-color things. This affects us as women in terms of our self-esteem and our sexuality. I have dealt with women who feel something is wrong with them, or they have to cover up more because of the way their dads and brothers talk about other women.
It is not wrong for men and women to talk about sexual purity issues or physical things within relationship, especially in a group setting. But it is immodest when these things are talked about lightly, in a disrespectful way or in a way to turn each other on.
In the guise of openness, we share too much. When we don't have boundaries, we open ourselves up to some things being taken too lightly, too casually. This can be everything from talking about sexual abuse in the grocery store to sharing about a very personal relationship in a casual way. The flip side is being so close that we don't get a healthy perspective--there is a balance there.
Dr. Kopp: A lot of modesty is subconscious because in our families we grow up with accepted rules or regulations that are not written down. We govern ourselves by those norms to have harmony.
Mrs. Cook: Charm and modesty go together. My definition of charm is being your very best so that you bring out the best in the other person. When you are living up to your highest standards, another person shouldn't dare to be less than his or her best for you.
McAfee: Modesty plays a role in relationships because it affects body language, conversation and appearance. It is always there, in any kind of relationship or at work. If your family is immodest, that is going to give you a level of immodesty yourself.
Q. How can college students practice modesty?
Dr. Kopp: Make sure that our attitudes are Biblical. Ask are we edifying others, or are we edifying ourselves?
Professor Wecks: If you feel something is inappropriate, don't say it.
Sometimes women don't understand how the way they dress affects men, and men don't understand how the content of their speech affects women. Talk about this for the sake of edifying.
Mrs. Cook: Dress has to enhance rather than tempt. The way people sit is important. Have standards about where you put your hands and about the conversation that is brought up.
McAfee: Particularly watch what is said in mixed company. My dad always said young women have a tendency to talk about menstrual cycles and things like that in the presence of men.
As far as dress goes, aside from the dress code, it's good to be aware of what you wear and what response it gets. More importantly, first ask if you have a motive behind what you are wearing. That goes back to the beginning definition about modesty starting inside.
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