Feature

by Stephanie Davison

"Divorce is not acknowledged because it is so common. But for children, it shatters their sense of self."

--Kerrin Hauser

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Divorce Injures Children and Harms Society

Michelle Hansen is a Greek major and works on The Ambassador staff.
--Rachel Martindale, photo

Michelle Hansen, 26, a Greek major at Multnomah Bible College, knows what coming from a broken family is like. Hansen was 4 years old when her parents divorced. She doesn't remember her parents being together, and she has never heard how her parents met. "There is a whole part of my history I do not know. Where my parents met and where they fell in love," Hansen said. "It's weird! It's just weird not knowing about that part of my life."

Hansen's mother remarried a year-and-a-half after her parents' divorce, and her stepfather became her new father figure. He has been the only real father to her, the only father she has ever known, but they have never become close. "He doesn't let people in, but I have always thought of him as my dad," Hansen said.

Her birth father visits her once a month and every other Christmas and Easter. She has always felt that when her father shows up, she has to put everything on hold for him.

"We did not have a good relationship," Hansen said. "I did not think he had any place to tell me what to do. He didn't like that we thought our stepfather was dad. He would get upset on vacations if we wanted to call him."

The Centers for Disease Control and the National Center for Health and Science recorded that the number of families affected by divorce in the last 50 years has risen fivefold. Statistics also showed that 43 percent of first-marriage couples break up within five years.

According to the National Vital Statistics report, in Oregon alone 10,894 marriages ended in divorce in 2004. This only recorded divorces from January to September. Based on previous statistics, it's safe to estimate that another 5,000 marriages ended in divorce in the remaining three months of 2004.

The Rev. Charlie Marsolini, director of Compassionate Ministries at Oregon City Church of the Nazarene, said his passion in life is to help people who come from broken families. In his year-and-a-half working at Oregon City Nazarene, every person he has counseled has come from a broken home. The Rev. Marsolini said, "Ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the women I see have never had a commitment from a man and come from parents of divorce."

The Rev. Marsolini is involved with a number of ministries, all relating to broken families.

"The church needs to step up," the Rev. Marsolini said. "If we do not get involved as a church family, these families will be lost. We cannot do business as usual."

Children suffer from divorce in many ways: They experience deep emotional pain, poor health, depression, anxiety and a shortened life span. More drop out of school; fewer go to college. Children of divorce earn less income, develop more addictions to drugs and alcohol and have a higher tendency to engage in illegal activity.

Hansen's parents' divorce has affected her in many ways. She never watched her parents fight, but her mother became an alcoholic, which extremely affected her environment. Hansen has always feared rejection and for a long time was unsure where that fear came from. She has come to realize much of it is due to never feeling secure and attached to her parents. "I thought I had to be the perfect person to be loved," she said.

After Hansen moved out of her parents' home, she moved into a house with two of her friends, Eireann and Rhonda. Hansen immediately feared they would reject her and became clingy. When their living situation fell apart, she and her friends stopped talking.

A few months later, she discovered that Eireann had been pushing her away because being friends with Hansen was too overwhelming. "I thought I needed them to validate me," Hansen said, "and it was a hard pattern to get out of."

In 2001 she became a Christian and soon began to realize she had a lot of healing ahead of her. This is her first year at Multnomah. Last semester, she heard about a group of people from divorced families who meet on campus. She did not feel she was ready for the group last semester, but this semester she began counseling. "I have felt overwhelmed with life," Hansen said. "I didn't know what to do, so I went to Dean Kerrin. She led the divorce group and has come from a divorced family herself."

Kerrin Hauser, Multnomah Bible College's assistant dean of women, said she had a wonderful time last semester with the support group for children of divorced parents and would be willing to hold another if enough students are interested. Mrs. Hauser's focus for the group was to grieve the divorce while still walking in the goodness and grace of God.

Through her counseling sessions, Mrs. Hauser has seen the effects of divorce on society. "This generation sees divorce as less of a crisis. Divorce is not acknowledged because it so common. But for children, it shatters their sense of self," Mrs. Hauser said.

Patrick F. Fagan, a member of a research and education organization called the Heritage Foundation, spoke before the U.S. Senate on May 13, 2004, regarding the impact of marriage and divorce on children. "There is much in the scientific literature that points toward religious practice as a great preserver and fosterer of marriage and family strengths," Fagan said. "We increasingly have data pointing toward two fundamental strengths for this nation: love between fathers and mothers in marriage and regular worship of God."

So the question is: How does the United States come back to the place where the culture is one of belonging? President George W. Bush is trying to answer this question by putting together a program as a part of welfare reform to promote healthier and more stable marriages. The funding for this program, $300 million per year, will come by taking one penny out of every $5 government spends to subsidize single parenthood.

The program will focus on early intervention and helping young couples establish better relationships before the birth of a child. Participation will be voluntary.

Not only will the program increase marriage rates, but it will also help provide ongoing support to couples who are at risk of divorce. The program will educate people on the value of marriage, establish pre-marital counseling programs, train couples in relationship skills and provide marriage skills for low-income families.

The problem of divorce affects more than just the family. Society is affected by more gangs, assaults, violence, health care, foster care and homelessness programs.

Fagan told the Senate that families are the building block of a society: "Families thrive when they are together, and they were never meant to be torn apart."

Twenty-two years after her parents' divorce, Hansen is starting the process of healing. "Sometimes I just get angry when I think about my parents' divorce," Hansen said. "I think, This just isn't right."

She has started reading a book, "Generation Ex." "[It]' has helped me give words to what I am feeling," Hansen said. "That it is OK to feel this, but I need to forgive. It will be a process of forgiving, a process of what I need to forgive so in my heart I know what I am forgiving for."

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