Cover Story by Jennifer Blazis Tamara felt somewhere deep inside that the relationship wasn't right.

Back to Table of Contents | Back to Main Index Previous Cover Stories | Send mail to The Voice Adultery can result from friendship People who commit adultery are using someone else to satisfy their needs, according to J. Allen Peterson. -Daniel Stent, photo * Names changed to protect privacy Tamara Gibson's * skin tingled. Mark Nicoski*, her old crush, was sitting right next to her. They were with a group of friends, looking at photos of their high school days. Although Mark was married, he was being overtly friendly toward her, almost flirting. Tamara and Mark, both 21, had been friends for several years. They had gone to the same Christian high school and hung out with the same friends. Mark had met his wife, Elizabeth, at a summer church camp. Before the end of their junior year, she became pregnant. Following graduation, they married. A year-and-a-half later, Elizabeth had an affair with a co-worker, and she and Mark separated. Tamara said she had always wondered how long the marriage would last. Now she was attracted to Mark. Tamara's father had hired Mark to remodel a large room upstairs in their house. Mark had finished the room and wouldn't be around as much, but earlier that day he had stopped by to pick up something he had left. That evening with their friends, Mark and Tamara talked and laughed. At the end of the evening, Mark walked her to the door. "Hey, do you want to get together sometime and hang out like old times?" he asked. Tamara's heart leapt. "Sure! Just call me!" she said. As they started hanging out, Tamara felt somewhere deep inside that the relationship wasn't right. If only something would happen to Elizabeth, she could be with Mark, she thought. Then she winced at her evil intentions. According to J. Allen Peterson in his book, "The Myth of the Greener Grass," many adulterous relationships begin with friendships. The two people use one another to satisfy an emotional need that they aren't meeting in their spouse or in relationships with other people or in God. Dr. James Dobson, founder and president of Focus on the Family, in his book "Love Must be Tough," wrote: "Adult romantic relationships continue to bear many of the characteristics of adolescent sexuality. They differ...only in degree, and will always reflect the rudiments of earlier sexual attitudes and values. Thus [adults] still love the thrill of the chase, the lure of the unattainable, the excitement of the new and boredom with the old." Tamara's heart skipped a few beats when they shared their first kiss. She said she felt a strange mixture of proud ownership and sickening betrayal. But when he kissed her again, she gave in to the excitement of this new level of their relationship. That night, she was unable to sleep. Unsure of what to do, she began to pray. She said she asked God if the relationship was right. After all, Mark and Elizabeth were separated and practically divorced. Tamara and Mark tried not to be seen together. But fingers were pointed. Her college roommate refused to be in the same room with her. Most of her Christian friends simply looked the other way. Tamara said she knew they thought her relationship was wrong, but they didn't say anything. But her best friend, Michelle Herron,* told Tamara the truth. Several weeks after Tamara and Mark had first kissed, Tamara said, "I don't know what to do. I love him so much, but he isn't divorced yet. [Our relationship] can't be wrong if they are going to get a divorce." Michelle sighed and said, "Tammy, God is a God of peace. If you are feeling such turmoil about this, it can't be right." Tamara stood stunned. She knew Michelle was right but wanted her to be wrong. Tamara's feelings are common among Christians who commit adultery. Muriel Cook, a counselor at Multnomah Bible College, said, "You either have to change your theology or say you're wrong. Often people change their theology." Dr. Larry Day, a well-known Christian counselor, agreed. In his experience counseling unmarried women who commit adultery with married men, he said, "[The women] don't tend to use scripture to justify their behavior. It's all fantasy; it's the wonderful euphoria of a crush." "[Adulterous women] decide that God does not condemn the person committing adultery," Mrs. Cook said. "They associate themselves with the woman caught in adultery [in the Bible]. Jesus didn't condemn her because no one threw a stone [at her.] They fail to read on to the part where Jesus said, 'Go and sin no more.'" Tamara and Mark continued to see one another. Because they had not had sex, Tamara said she had trouble seeing the relationship as wrong or adulterous. She and Mark prayed together, asking God to show them whether or not it was right. After several months, their relationship began to deteriorate. Suddenly, other things in Mark's life became more important. He spent more time with his friends and worked on his car. Tamara said she felt betrayed and left behind. He no longer opened up his feelings to her. Elizabeth was still in his life although they were separated, and he communicated with her outside of matters concerning their son. Tamara became bitter. She talked to Mark, and they agreed to end the romantic relationship but remain friends. Then one night while Mark and Tamara were watching a movie together and drinking, they had sex. She had committed adultery. Guilt overwhelmed Tamara. She said she felt unclean. She went numb. During the following weeks, she and Mark continued having sex. Mark became less caring and more demanding of their physical relationship. Nightmares plagued Tamara; she dreamed of Mark treating her harshly and leaving her to return to his wife. One morning in the shower, her heart suddenly felt as if it were going to break. She screamed and fell to her knees in the tub: "God, I am so, so sorry! Please forgive me; Jesus, please forgive me!" She said that as she cried out, she released the weight of all that she had done. The reality of Jesus' forgiveness washed over her, and soon the sobs ebbed. That day, Tamara spent hours reading the Bible. She ignored the persistent phone calls from Mark. The next day, she ended their relationship. "I felt like a prostitute because I was giving myself to keep him," she said, her voice slightly shaking. "I gave up my self-respect and turned from God, my friends, everything," she said. "Marriage is a picture of Christ in the church, and that is sacred." Tamara has fought an uphill battle to regain self-respect and peace, and most of all, to rebuild her relationship with God. She has decided to stop dating and is attending a Bible college. "You can't fix yourself," she said. "[Christ] doesn't want you to try to fix yourself before you go to him. I was afraid that if I went to him with all my shame and broken pieces, he wouldn't accept me. I realized that what he wanted were my broken pieces so he could fix me." Reflecting on her experience, Tamara offered this advice: "Even if you just have a little inkling that [adulterous thoughts] might be entering your mind or your heart, fall to your knees and cry out to God because you can't handle it. Ephesians 6 has it right: Know the battle you are fighting." Back to Table of Contents | Back to Main Index Previous Cover Stories | Top Of Page Send mail to The Voice| Journalism department website © 2002 The Voice. No part of this publication may be reproduced in written or electronic form without prior written consent from the journalism adviser of Multnomah Bible College. All rights reserved.