Cover Story by Tess Chierici Mrs. Stargell said she has struggled to forgive again and depends daily on God's grace.

Back to Table of Contents | Back to Main Index Previous Cover Stories | Send mail to The Voice Forgiving adultery doesn't mean forgetting Mr. and Mrs Stargell's first marriage was on Jan. 9, 1982. -Mrs. Stargell, photo * Names changed to protect privacy Over their last 20 years together, Bob*, 39, and Diane Stargell*, 38, married twice, divorced once, and separated several times. They are now married and seeking to heal the wounds of their relationship. After being married seven years, Mr. Stargell committed adultery. Mrs. Stargell had two children, McKenzie*, 7, and Michael*, 6, but she divorced her husband. She was a Christian, but knew she couldn't handle her husband's adulterous affairs. Mrs. Stargell and her children moved to a new town. She said she didn't feel like God had given her permission or a desire to look for someone else. Dr. Larry Day, psychologist and graduate of Multnomah Biblical Seminary, said people often put conditions on forgiveness. He defines forgiveness as willingness to not hold sins against a person but instead to re-establish a connection. Muriel Cook, a counselor at Multnomah Bible College, said forgiving has a four-step process: 1. Agree with God that you need to forgive. Mrs. Stargell said she knew she needed to forgive her husband because God forgave her. During the first five months of their divorce, Mr. Stargell accepted Christ. Until then, Mrs. Stargell said she didn't feel that Mr. Stargell had been sincerely sorry. Mr. Stargell said he accepted God's grace and forgave himself. Dr. Day said self-forgiveness is important; if there is no self-forgiveness, people stay in bondage even though God has forgiven them. Adulterers struggle with forgiving themselves even when they have asked God and their spouse to forgiven them, Dr. Day said. He said the Bible isn't as direct about forgiving ourselves. 2. Make a decision to forgive. "You have to forgive, but God didn't say you have to live with it," Mrs. Stargell said. God changed her heart toward Mr. Stargell, but she said forgetting the past was still hard. Two issues are at the center of deciding to forgive: forgiving and trusting, Dr. Day said. He said many of his clientele thought that forgiving meant immediately trusting again, too. But he said, "You never forget." Trusting again requires rebuilding the relationship over time. 3. Release how you feel about the person who hurt you by keeping a journal or praying out loud. Relinquish those feelings to Christ. Dr. Day said writing is one of the ways to release feelings. He also recommended what he calls therapeutic prayer, simply talking to God out loud. He said when people speak they release their emotions. He said people must open up to God. Mrs. Stargell said she spent many hours in the dark, crying, praying and listening to Christian music. "God healed me during those hours in the dark. He gave me a strong, overwhelming peace. I realized I couldn't lean on my husband, and my strength couldn't come from him," she said. Once she started surrendering feelings of self-pity, she saw how God was caring for her and that she needed to put her faith in Him. 4. Act out forgiveness; the feelings will follow. Mr. and Mrs. Stargell remarried 10 months after Mr. Stargell gave his life to Christ. Mrs. Stargell said she realizes she remarried too quickly. "My mistake was that I went back too soon. He was such a baby Christian. His problem, without God, takes over." Five years later, Mr. Stargell committed adultery again. Mrs. Stargell said she has struggled to forgive again and depends daily on God's grace. She tries to act out forgiveness by telling her husband that she loves him and serving him by washing his clothes. "I try to be the sweet doting wife," she said. Mrs. Stargell admits that she struggles. "[Not bringing up the past] gets harder every time. I have all these bad memories that make me mad. "You think you are doing OK; then blows start coming," Mrs. Stargell said. She said things such as the Victoria's Secret commercials on television anger her all over again. "Not so much [anger] at [my husband] but at the sin," she said. Mr. Stargell said that Mrs. Stargell still has a hard time trusting him. "I try not to get involved in situations where I carry on lengthy conversations with the opposite sex," he said. "I feel like it is something I need to do to rebuild her trust." Mrs. Stargell said she sometimes wonders if staying with Mr. Stargell was the right choice. She said that after the second affair she was indifferent toward him. Mrs. Stargell said she prayed for a change of heart if she was supposed to stay married. "You have to get really close to God and rebuke Satan immediately; that is what I'm fighting," she said. 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