I understand "Beavis and Butthead" is going off the air; the show's producers have announced they will not film any new episodes.

I didn't know there was more than one episode of "Beavis and Butthead." I always thought it was odd that every time I caught a glimpse of the show when flipping channels, they were always playing the exact same episode.

Looks like the old complaint about Hollywood having run out of ideas is true. In fact, I can prove it: I have obtained a top-secret Scriptwriters' Genre Guide: the official list writers use to recycle a handful of movie formulas over and over. I plan to use the list to write my own blockbuster script.

I'll start with the Maniac Commandeers Something Dangerous genre, as seen in "Speed," "Air Force One," "Under Siege" and "The Rock."

I won't get critical reviews without the Politically Correct History Revision genre ("Pocahontas," "Dances With Wolves"). For comic relief, I'll employ the Remake of a Brainless Sitcom to Make Baby Boomers Feel Nostalgic genre ("Beverly Hillbillies," "Leave It To Beaver").

Let's see--I want gripping suspense, so I can't leave out the trusty Every-one's Out to Get Me, Especially the CIA genre ("JFK," "Conspiracy Theory," "My Fellow Americans," "Sneakers") and the Imprisoned Lunatic With Information the Police Desperately Need motif ("Silence Of The Lambs," "Just Cause," "Seven"). I want the audience to leave the theater slack-jawed, so I can't forget the Mind-Blowing Special Effects Extravaganza With No Plot genre ("Volcano," "Dante's Peak," "Jurassic Park").

Also, people like to feel as if they've gotten the inside scoop, so I'll be sure to work in good old Your Government Is Hiding Things From You, Including the Car Keys You "Lost" Last Week motif ("Men In Black," "Independence Day," "JFK," "Conspiracy Theory") and the Seems Deep and Spiritual but Doesn't Really Say Anything genre ("Contact," "2001: A Space Odyssey," "Cocoon," "Forrest Gump").

Finally, to satisfy those who love finding movie mistakes, I'll incorporate the never-failing Disappearing British Accent motif ("Star Wars," "Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves," "The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh").

Here's the plot: The president of the United States is en route to a summit with six Middle East dictators in a plane full of nuclear terrorists on their way to a death camp.

Surprise! The terrorists get loose, which no one expected, and take the president and his two adorable kids hostage. They immediately toss the kids out, to show they mean business and because the kids are really annoying.

The president escapes and hides in the belly of the plane, which is full of nerve gas rockets. And dinosaurs. Finding a bomb wired to blow up the plane if ticket sales drop, he calls the vice president to snivel.

Mysteriously, he is instead connected to Roswell, N.M., where an imprisoned alien psycho who knows how to defuse the bomb refuses to divulge the information unless his demands are met. Unfortunately, his demands are to nerve-gas the entire Middle East.

Meanwhile, Egyptian scientists discover an ancient hieroglyph in an old motel in Cairo. They decipher it, only to find that it says, "For a good time, call Cleopatra 555-0078." They are about to give up when they realize that hidden in the message are plans for a mysterious device.

As the vice president tries to negotiate with the terrorists, she stumbles across an elaborate Secret Service conspiracy. The alien breaks in on a phone call between her and the president and reveals that the Secret Service is only plotting to assassinate Oliver Stone. Relieved, the president orders them to go right ahead.

The Egyptian scientists finish the mysterious device. They are shocked when it travels back in time and returns with Genghis Khan who, it turns out, was misunderstood and really wasn't such a bad guy after all.

Meanwhile, the dinosaurs reproduce quickly, despite a passionate sermon on the environment by a mathematician, and take over the plane. After eating the terrorists, the dinosaurs and the president race to Egypt, meeting Khan and the alien. They join forces in a desperate attempt to stop the mysterious device from bringing back Abraham Lincoln who, it turns out, was misunderstood and really was a killer robot from the future.

They reprogram the device to fetch its creator, the mastermind behind the entire plot. They are shocked to discover that the mastermind is Bill Gates, who has been scheming to buy everything on the entire planet.

With lots of explosions and punches, the president beats Bill Gates into a pulp as the audience cheers wildly. Despite another passionate sermon on the environment by a mathematician, the dinosaurs refuse to eat Bill Gates, saying they'll never get that hungry.

Just as everyone breathes a sigh of relief, Oliver Stone bursts into the room and tries to shoot the president. Khan takes the bullet for the president and dies vindicated.

Working quickly, the Secret Service straps Bill Gates and Oliver Stone to the nerve-gas rockets. With scant seconds to spare before the audience's short attention span runs out, they fire the rockets at California, utterly destroying it, as the audience cheers wildly once again and the credits roll.

I'll make a fortune on the action-figure royalties alone.