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The divorce epidemic spreads
to the church

For 20 years, Dan and Mary Paulsen kept up what appeared to be the perfect marriage. Both Mr. and Mrs. Paulsen were Christians when they got married. They attended and participated in church activities throughout their marriage, always making sure that their kids were involved as well.

In the spring of 1998, Mr. Paulsen was deeply depressed. The image of their perfect marriage was shattered when Mr. Paulsen told his wife that he wasn't happy. For the past five years, Mr. Paulsen had felt unsatisfied with his marriage. "The qualities that first attracted me to her were the qualities that I later grew to dislike the most," he said.

Shortly after Mr. Paulsen announced this news to his wife, he began sleeping in another part of the house. Meanwhile Mrs. Paulsen attended counseling sessions in which she tried to work on the marriage as well as other issues in her life.

In the fall of the same year, Mr. Paulsen went to stay with relatives for a week so he could think things out. When he returned, he told his wife he could see no hope for their marriage. In a few weeks, Mrs. Paulsen decided that she, too, didn't want to be a part of the marriage. But two months later, Mr. Paulsen decided the marriage was worth reconciling for the sake of their children.

Unfortunately, Mrs. Paulsen was enjoying her independence. A few months later she decided to work on the marriage, but this decision only lasted a few weeks. At different times both Mr. and Mrs. Paulsen desired to work on their marriage, but never at the same time. Mrs. Paulsen ended up moving into her own apartment, and soon Mr. and Mrs. Paulsen signed divorce papers, ending their 20-year marriage.

The Paulsens are not the only seemingly solid Christian couple who have had to deal with divorce. More and more couples seem to be falling victim to the divorce syndrome. The church is far from untouched. According to a survey by Barna Research, 27 percent of born-again Christians have been divorced, 4 percent higher than the divorce rate of non-Christians.

When Jeff and Susan Martins got married, neither was a Christian. The first time Mrs. Martins met her husband, she thought he was the man she was supposed to marry. "I thought he was cute, shy, poetic, artistic, pretty calm," Mrs. Martins said.

The Martins lived together nearly a year before they got married. While they were living together, Mrs. Martins imagined that her relationship with her husband would be different after they were married. "I thought he would be more caring, there wouldn't be so much anger," she said. Unfortunately, marriage didn't happen the way Mrs. Martins had planned. She was unaware that her husband was using crystal meth and crank. "I started to see changes the night we got married. I knew he wasn't the person I thought he was," Mrs. Martins said.

Fifteen months after Mr. and Mrs. Martins were married, Mrs. Martins became a Christian while visiting her mother's church in New York. Mr. Martins agreed to attend church with his wife, but he was not open to the idea of becoming a Christian himself. Eventually, Mr. Martins stopped attending church altogether. He felt that God had taken his wife away from him, and he resented that.

Mr. Martins' anger began to get out of control. He hit his wife one day during an argument. Mrs. Martins got a restraining order and separated from her husband. By this time, Mr. and Mrs. Martins had two children.

Mr. Martins decided he wanted to work on the marriage for the kids' sake. He and his wife began seeing a counselor, and during those sessions, Mrs. Martins found out about her husband's drug use. The Martins were back together for about three months when Mrs. Martins started to see her husband's anger again. Mrs. Martins asked her husband to leave. At that time Mrs. Martins was pregnant with their third child.

Mr. and Mrs. Martins remained separated for about a year and a half. During that time, God was teaching Mrs. Martins how to deal with her own anger. She began to realize that she and Mr. Martins had developed some bad patterns in their relationship. When Mrs. Martins' third child turned a year old, her husband decided he wanted to move back home.

"I prayed and prayed because it was so hard on the kids and hard on me to have him there and then gone," Mrs. Martins said. She decided to let Mr. Martins have another chance. The Martins started attending some Christian-led marriage classes, but Mr. Martins could't get past his anger toward God and other people.

The Martins divorced, and Mrs. Martins was a single mother to three children for more than eight years. She said she is now remarried to a godly man and enjoying seeing what a godly marriage can be.

According to a survey by the U.S. Census Bureau, between 1970 and 1996, the number of divorced persons more than quadrupled, from 4.3 million to 18.3 million.

Both Mr. Paulsen and Mrs. Martins have opinions about what the church needs to do differently regarding divorce. Because Mr. Paulsen is still very close to the process of getting a divorce, his complaints and suggestions are geared toward how the church deals with people who are having marital problems. Mr. Paulsen said he feels that churches in general do not know how to deal with couples who are having marital problems. "In the Christian culture, in the church, lying, cheating, and stealing can be understood and forgiven. Marital problems and divorce are like unforgivable sins," Mr. Paulsen said. When dealing with marital problems and divorce, Mr. Paulsen said he thinks the church should take time to listen before pronouncing judgment.

As a single mother, Mrs. Martins wished for godly men to be role models for her children. Mrs. Martins always felt appreciative when someone would come to her house and repair things or give her car an oil change. "Single moms don't really fit into a category. People aren't sure how to help," Mrs. Martins said.

Many churches have started divorce support groups and established marriage counselors for those going through marriage problems. Pastors today must decide how to help failing marriages and families that are trying to cope with divorce. According to the Rev. Jim Sellers, pastor of Portland Alliance Church, the church should provide the kind of environment that makes couples comfortable with sharing their marital problems. "It's a matter of acceptance that -- we don't ostricize people who are divorced. Divorce is a very painful experience for people," the Rev. Sellers said.

Mr. Paulsen's experience with divorce and the church leads him to agree with the Rev. Sellers. "I would not ask the church to ignore sin and not judge where God has already judged," Mr. Paulsen said. "But I would ask them to be more understanding of human frailties."