Cover Story
by Tyana L. Peacock
"They should come into marriage as a complete people. If you come in as a wounded person, you have a wounded marriage".
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Experts say hard hearts, selfishness and busyness contribute to divorce
The Voice asked five experts in the area of relationships for their insight on the causes of divorce, its consequences and how to prevent it. Larry Day has a doctorate and has been a licensed counselor since 1975. Brenda Sene is an associate minister at First United Methodist Church. Cathy France is the west side leader of Marriage Ministries International. James Soliday is a Jungian psychoanalyst, he is self-employed and has been in practice for 30 years. Muriel Cook is a counselor-at-large at Multnomah Bible College.
The Voice: What would you say is the No. 1 cause of divorce?
Dr. Larry Day: A lot of times, people will tell you it's a lack of communication, it's a lack of cooperation, it's a test of wills, and these are all true. But get behind that and it has to do with the heart hardening.
The Rev. Brenda Sene: The majority of people in our church who are going through a divorce seem to be in their late 30s, early 40s or older. It seems to be more that they've gotten so busy with their lives that they've stopped communicating with each other.
Cathy France: Selfishness. It is not "me" but "we." If people understood that, they'd see marriage differently.
Dr. James Soliday: People are looking in the other as this magical person, bringing an enormous illusion.
Muriel Cook: From what statistics tell us, it's relationship to in-laws and money matters. A lot of times, couples go into marriage thinking if this doesn't work, we'll get a divorce. But in Christian marriages, divorce should never be considered. The word should never be used. It's for life. It's forever.
The Voice: How would you define the marriage institution?
Dr. Larry Day: Several words probably fit: commitment, companionship and cooperation.
The Rev. Brenda Sene: Marriage is a very committed relationship between two adults -- not only between the adults but also with God involved. It's sharing every aspect with your partner--the two becoming one.
Cathy France: The scriptural role of the husband and wife is like the role of Jesus and the church. Jesus gave all for the church, and the bride is the church.
Dr. James Soliday: In the outer realm, bringing order and cultural unity, so there isn't havoc: people with whomever all over the place. The inner aspect of marriage gives us the painful opportunity to take responsibility for our own woundedness that all of us bring into a marriage. So its purpose is for our own salvation and to redeem those wounded parts.
Muriel Cook: They should come into marriage as complete people. If you come in as a wounded person, you have a wounded marriage. Marriage is not to complete you. We are complete in Christ. When you bring two whole people together, they make a greater impact in the world.
The Voice: What is your stand on divorce?
Dr. Larry Day: Divorce is always a failure. It's always a sin in the sense that it's a falling short of the goal. But it's sometimes necessary -- when abuse is involved, when people have an unhealthy practice of infidelity, or when heavy episodes of depression are involved.
The Rev. Brenda Sene: When a married couple is estranged beyond reconciliation, even after thoughtful consideration and counsel, divorce is a regrettable alternative in the midst of brokenness (The Book of Resolutions).
Cathy France: Divorce is a sin. It's the breaking of a covenant. If you remarry, you're in a covenant with two different people. Neither can be fulfilled properly.
Dr. James Soliday: I allow people to make their own choice. There are some cases in which divorce is probably the "best" in terms that there's out-of-control alcoholism or physical abuse. However, I would say to that person "There's something about your psyche. It's not by accident that you chose this person. If you don't get hold of what that means inside of your soul, this pattern will be continued."
Muriel Cook: The Bible says a lifestyle of immorality is grounds for divorce. Also, in 1 Corinthians chapter 7 when Paul says the believer should let the unbeliever go if he wants to go, then he is no longer bound.
The Voice: What are some characteristics of a healthy marriage?
Dr. Larry Day: They have fun. They love each other, but they like each other, too. They've got enough interests in common that they've got companionship, but they've got enough differences that they complement each other. They are both independent. There's respect for each other based on admiration for the person and knowing the quality of their character. A good solid moral foundation and spiritual foundation -- they're healthy about their views of their bodies and their sexuality.
The Rev. Brenda Sene: Good communication. Not being over-committed. I really worry about a couple when I see them pulled in too many directions -- not just with work, but with church and community activities. They have a sense of humor together. Attend church together. Express their love. When the couple's first priority is the relationship.
Cathy France: Serving each other and putting the other before himself. Having a prayer life together.
Dr. James Soliday: Each person takes responsibility for his own behavior, to say "I'm wrong." To be in touch with emotions, needs and desires and communicate them clearly. Each person sees his faults and "dark side" and has compassion on that part of himself. If they can do that, when they see the dark side and the junk from their mate, they can have compassion on their mate. Have a meaning and purpose in life and a living and dynamic spiritual connection with the divine. Have a sense of humor and play. Have affection, intimacy, and sexual needs met consistently. To have left mother and father. Work and maintain a job, deal with finances. Be able to have conflict and be angry.
Muriel Cook: Two people who share most things: thoughts, hurts, wants, needs and dreams. Putting the other party first. The husband is the appointed leader of the home, but they are a team.
The Voice: What do you suggest for a dysfunctional marriage?
Dr. Larry Day: Admit it and then I suggest they expose themselves to good education -- go to seminars and retreats and classes where they re-evaluate themselves and sometimes become aware that they don't know how to handle their emotions.
The Rev. Brenda Sene: Counseling -- marriage and sometimes individual counseling. Back out on some of their commitments.
Cathy France: Go to regularly. Draw close to the Lord and pray together. Accountability.
Dr. James Soliday: Individual therapy. Marriage therapy helps a little, but it looks at the interpersonal relationship like communication skills, dealing with conflict . . . all of that is important. But what's missing is the inner psyche -- one's own dynamic. It's got to be attended to at some time.
Muriel Cook: Counseling. Individual counseling and then getting back together. Dysfunction comes when they've wounded each other. There's a lot of forgiveness that needs to go on.
The Voice: What effects does divorce have on the family?
Dr. Larry Day: For adults, in many cases, it's worse than a death. The kids naturally want Mom and Dad together. It's easier for younger kids to accept a divorce than older kids. Once they get into junior high and use an abstract form of thinking, divorce is much more distressful.
The Rev. Brenda Sene: Children no longer have two active parents. The parents aren't able to work well together and the children suffer. In most of the cases, the woman suffers financially. There's anger to deal with.There are different stages of grief for death. You have to go through the same kind of stages with divorce; it's the death of an ideal. That happens with children, too. At every age they reach, they process it again. So it's not like divorce happens once with a child -- at every age it happens again because they see things differently.
Cathy France: Divorce is devastation for everyone. There's feelings of rejection and abandonment for the kids. The fathers are to train the children and be examples of God. If the father's not there, the children don't get that.
Dr. James Soliday: It affects children. It's a blow. It also affects them if Mom and Dad stay together and dislike each other. If the marriage cannot be repaired and divorce ensues, what the parents need to carry is "What I have done has an impact and it helps and harms my children."
Muriel Cook: When a father claims that he can no longer live with the children's mother, they feel he's also divorced them.
Tyana Peacock is one of Larry Peacock's greatest fans.
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