Cover Story by Emily Kurtz "That night I went home and cried myself to sleep. I felt as though I was a complete failure."

Back to Table of Contents | Back to Main Index Previous Cover Stories | Send mail to The Voice Woman escapes the bonds of lust In junior high school, Beth Jameson*, a Multnomah student, began a struggle with lust that she fought for years. Her difficulty started on the Internet, where Jameson chatted with friends but also with strangers she met in chat rooms. At first things were innocent, she said. "I would go into Christian chat rooms and talk with other Christians." Because the chat rooms she visited were open to anyone, people were continually coming and going, many times advertising some sort of pornography. "I was appalled by these things when I first saw them," Jameson said, "and then my curiosity got the best of me." One day when her parents and younger brothers weren't home, she went to a chat room where people were discussing sexual topics. When the conversation quickly turned inappropriate, Jameson felt uncomfortable and left. A few days later, however, her curiosity came back, Jameson said. She began spending more time online talking with total strangers than with her friends. "I was naive. I didn't know what I was really saying or what [my chat partner] was saying," Jameson said. "But I knew I enjoyed the conversation." Jameson's troubles didn't stop there. When no one was around, she began visiting a site where people posted letters and stories about sexual desires and experiences. The site soon became the site she visited most. "Rather than doing homework, I would get online," she said. "My mind and thoughts became polluted with sexual impurity. I would spend many of the hours I didn't spend on the Internet watching movies and television shows with racy scenes." Jameson didn't tell anyone about her struggle because she didn't think any other girls struggled with lust. She said she had always heard people discuss men struggling with lust and pornography, but never women. Carley J. Wecks, dean of students and chaplain to women at Multnomah Biblical Seminary, said, "[Jameson's] curiosity led to a loss of innocence. The fact that she didn't tell anybody, especially as a believer, had much more power over her." Jameson said that during junior high she didn't fully understand what she was doing. But in high school, she realized "the awfulness of what was happening." She spent less time on the Internet, but the movies and television were always there. "even though I tried to detach myself from sexual things, I had already allowed my mind to become enslaved by sexual thoughts and desires," she said. Near the middle of her senior year, Jameson got involved with Evan Baker*. He was "not the kind of person I needed to date," she said. "Things got physical quickly, and by the time senior prom came around, I lacked any form of self-control." The day of senior prom, Jameson was uneasy but convinced herself to go. "That night any form of purity I hoped to maintain was lost," she said. "Although Evan and I didn't have sex, we did many things I knew broke God's heart and went against His will." Baker asked if she would have sex with him. She said no. "But that was the only thing I said no to," Jameson said as she held back tears. "That night I went home and cried myself to sleep. I felt as though I was a complete failure. All these years of lust had started out so innocently, and now, here I was having given in to my own lustful desires. I asked myself, 'How will I face anyone?'" she said. After tears and pain Jameson said was unbearable, she admitted her defeat to God. "I didn't even know where to begin. I had betrayed the one who loves me most." Realizing that her physical relationship and years of lustful desires were keeping her from a right relationship with others and with God, she entered a process of surrender that continues today. After months of suffering on her own, she shared what happened on prom night with her best friend, Jessica Carr*. "The night Jessica and I talked was a huge breakthrough for me. We realized that we had struggled through some of the same things, and I no longer felt as though I had to bear the burden alone." Over time, she talked more openly about her struggles and realized the importance of accountability. Wecks said talking with a professional counselor is crucial in cases like Jameson's. She recommended talking with an older woman who will ask questions and create a system of accountability. Wecks said women may respond differently due to various backgrounds and issues leading to the struggle. Therefore, women struggling with lust or physical intimacy need to explore the deeper longings that they are trying to meet. "Taking [lustful] thoughts captive is the right thing to do, but unless a woman is able to get in touch with the drive underneath the desires, [escaping the habit] is going to be very difficult," Wecks said. Dr. Larry Day, a Christian counselor, said that people desiring to escape lustful habits must be open before God and experience his love. "He's willing to provide help but not to fix us," Day said. "He wants us to grow up, take the value system from Him and use it to grow." Jameson strives daily to give all her thoughts and desires to God. From the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed, she finds herself swayed to lustful thoughts. But the moment a lustful thought enters her mind, she prays and asks God for the ability to reject the thought. She said she has been amazed by God's power as He answers her prayers. Knowing that God knows her every thought has given Jameson hope. She said she finds comfort when she realizes God understands her struggle and is with her every step of the way. "[God] was there when she was lonely," Day said. "He knows and loves her. [The recovery process] is based on honesty." Now as Jameson sits at to her computer, she tells God she wants to be pure before him and asks for strength to resist temptation. "I am continually in awe of God's ability to take away the desires that I used to be a slave to," she said. Back to Table of Contents | Back to Main Index Previous Cover Stories | Top Of Page Send mail to The Voice| Journalism department website © 2002 The Voice. No part of this publication may be reproduced in written or electronic form without prior written consent from the journalism adviser of Multnomah Bible College. All rights reserved.