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Internet dating loaded with
shades of gray

Type in the phrase "Internet dating" on CompuServe, and the system finds 119,168 matches. Type in "Christian Internet dating" and the server finds 16,269 matches. With the debate over dating vs. courtship still raging, what do Christians do with this latest form of matchmaking? Is Internet dating another way for man to take control back from God and follow his own agenda? Or is Internet dating one tool, in a toolbox of many, that God can use to accomplish his will?

As of 1998, approximately 56 percent of the United State's adult population was married and living with his or her spouse. For many of the population that remain unmarried, the ease of romance via the Internet presents a viable option. Match.com, an Internet match-making service, has had approximately 500 people registering with them daily, according to an article in U.S. News and World Report's Feb. 10, 1997 issue. Six thousand people joined LoveSearch.com in the business' first four months.

People can join an Internet dating service for free or pay up to $99.95 a year. Dating services ask customers to fill out questionnaires. Many services ask for the person's age, physical description, hobbies, music and religious preferences, marital status and likes and dislikes.

Customers then peruse the applications and decide if they want to respond, depending upon the way the applicant answered the question. The dating service usually provides help by showing customers what percentage of other people's applications match their own. Dating services also help customers find applicants who live in a certain geographical area or fit into a specific age group.

Chat rooms are less structured. Several types of chat rooms exist, but some are specifically geared toward romance. Some chat rooms, such as Cybergrace's Christian Live Chat, ask only for a handle, or identifying name. Other chat rooms require users to join their service.

The overall atmosphere in Cybergrace Christian Network's Christian Live Chat was one of friendliness and caring. In the Chat Machine, a generic chat site, words were heated, and name-calling and sexual content abounded.

In chat rooms, people may have difficulty discerning whom they are talking to. With handles such as HealingStreams, ZOE and mudfish, how does a person know if he or she is speaking with a man or a woman?

According to Dr. Larry Day, a licensed counselor since 1975, a healthy relationship on the Internet has several strikes against it. He said people can say anything they want or make themselves into whomever they choose to be. He said that users only know what the other person tells them. The relationship becomes romanticized. The person gets hooked and becomes vulnerable, he said.

Dr. Michael Makinster, a licensed counselor for seven years, said, "In dating itself, people put their best foot forward. It's even easier to put your best foot forward online. You tend to tell people what you think they want to hear. Online, it's easier to lie. It's easier to leave out information or embellish information and not get caught."

In answer to an Internet dating survey The Voice sent to Multnomah students' mailboxes, one student said, "Internet dating is highly risky. God wants us to get to know those we intend to marry. The Internet does not allow us to see the whole person and can be a highly deceiving endeavor." "People need to be real," another student said. "A lot of times, stuff via the Internet becomes almost a fantasy."

According to Carley Wecks, the dean of Multnomah's seminary students, people base only 5-10 percent of relational communication on words. People base the rest of communication on a person's tone of voice, body language, facial expressions and eye contact. She said people miss the subtleties of communication when typing to a person over the Internet. She said women are especially vulnerable because they rely on non-verbal communication to decipher if a person is safe or not.

A student wrote, "As a way for outreach, the Internet is awesome. For a close personal relationship, you will never get intimate online. So many areas of communication are never addressed; it's too shallow. [Internet dating can be used for] ministry -- yes, dating -- no, marriage -- never."

Dr. Day warned that users never know if the people they type to are criminals, married or swindlers out to get money. He said a few of his clients have suffered backlashes from romantic Internet relationships. He said the risks involved in Internet dating are high.

The Internet holds many potential dangers, but do the bad experiences render the Internet unusable for finding friendship and romance? "Healthy relationships can certainly be started, but they can't be developed deeply," Dr. Makinster said. "You can't pretend you know people by writing them on the Internet. You only know what they want you to know. If the Internet is a way you want to connect with somebody to see if they might be somebody you'd like to know -- fine. But if you think you know someone by doing that, you're deluding yourself."

Steve Walters, in his article, "Strange Love," found on Focus on the Family's web site, observed: "Faceless communication on the Internet allows individuals to bypass a lot of shyness and awkwardness.... Those who are self-conscious about their body image can choose to share only the things about themselves that are flattering."

If people want to meet on the Internet, they flip on the computer, log on and begin typing. They can wear sweats and a ripped T-shirt, or wear the leftovers of last night's hairdo and an acne patch on their chin. The need to impress people with physical appearance fades in the glow of the computer screen's blindness.

"The Internet may by a good start to get to know somebody by their faith, interests, goals and heart before physically meeting them," a Multnomah student wrote. "The friendship-type meeting would be based on personality, character and equal yoking rather than physical appearances."

Dean Carley Wecks said some people do express themselves better with the written word. But, she said, shy people might use the Internet as an escape from making a commitment and growing in social situations. The Internet's form of communication might satisfy that person's need for intimacy, but it is a false intimacy, she said. In the long run, the Internet can become a hindrance for the shy person. "The Internet relationship might feel good," she said. "But it doesn't produce anything beneficial."

According to Dr. Makinster, the Internet is like anything else: It's a gift from God. "How people use the Internet is what makes it right or wrong -- good or bad. I don't think it's inadvertently sinful to talk or meet with people online," he said.

"I don't think Internet dating is a black-and-white issue, either right or wrong," a student wrote. "As with anything, Christians should exercise wisdom and godly standards in this area, but from experience, I've seen that healthy, enriching relationships can be formed over the Internet."

"I don't suggest it, but I don't think we can limit God either," another student wrote.

Brian Rake, New Life Assembly of God's youth and singles pastor, said healthy relationships cannot be developed over the Internet. He said people only know what the other person tells them. "God wants us to focus on him. If we do that, at some point, he will bring someone into our lives," he said.

A Multnomah student agreed. "I don't think that people should go looking for romance at all," she said. "We do not need to go searching for some stranger in hopes that it will be the one God has for us. When it is God's time, it will happen."