Cover Story
by Beth Coleman
Despite putting an end to so many potential loves of my life with just one click of a button, I had a few matches left.
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eHarmony Tempo Too Fast for MBC Student
Beth Coleman performs Clementi's "Sonatina in D Major" at a recital on Dec. 6. She graduates this month. --Sheila Lickfold, photo
Early last June, as more of my friends got married and I continued to be a single 24-year-old taking up hobbies such as knitting, I decided that I was "ready to find the love of my life."
So I started checking out eHarmony's matching process.
First came eHarmony's personality test. When Dr. Neil Clark Warren founded eHarmony in 1998, he raised matchmaking to a scientific level, basing matches on 29 dimensions of compatibility. The personality test, extensive and time consuming, is critical to making eHarmony work -- all my matches would be based on it.
Some of Dr. Warren's dimensions include sense of humor, sexual passion and spirituality.
eHarmony's Web site boasts: "With the help of eHarmony's compatibility matching and communication guidance, our members can quickly find a 'soul-mate,' instead of just struggling through endless dates that lead nowhere."
Such promises made the lengthy test bearable. I plodded my way through the myriad questions. The test results were accurate and insightful. I was on my way to finding the love of my life.
Not so fast, Juliet.
eHarmony, the Web site informed me, has a complex matching system and was unable to find any matches for me. All of a sudden I felt very smug. eHarmony had seen what no man ever before had been perceptive enough to notice -- I am no ordinary woman, not to be matched with just any Joe Schmoe.
Dr. Warren's mission for eHarmony is "to help millions of people find the right partner for lifelong love and happiness." eHarmony is a venue to build marriage relationships.
I would have to wait. eHarmony doesn't allow users to surf personal ads as other singles sites do.
After a few days, however, my eHarmony account started heating up. All of a sudden I was bombarded with potential loves of my life: Richard, Robert, Dave, Daniel, Kevin, Kip, Wade, Wayne, Eric, Aaron. I had gone from no matches to the most compatible person this side of the Snake River.
Once you receive a match on eHarmony, you can view the person's profile. Then you choose to start communication, put the match on hold or close the match permanently.
With so many matches, I started to get greedy. I couldn't possibly communicate with all of these fine, young gentlemen. So I cruelly weeded them out. I'll admit it -- I was harsh and shallow. But eHarmony made it all so easy.
After reading only the profile, I closed matches based on height, names I didn't like (sorry Kip and Wade), lack of humor and sometimes (I hate to admit this) I looked at their photo and moved on.
Despite putting an end to so many potential loves of my life with just one click of a button, I had a few matches left. One was named Justin.
He passed the height test (5 foot 7 inches). He passed the name test (I practiced saying, "Hello, Justin," to see if I liked saying it). He used humor in his profile. And his picture, well, it passed the test, too.
I took a deep breath and started the communication process. First, we exchanged multiple-choice questions. I chose five questions from a list of deep topics, such as where he would spend a romantic evening.
Then came stage two of communication: exchanging 10 must-haves and 10 can't-stands from Dr. Warren's list of 100. This helps identify what is important to the user and the potential match. Some traits I selected were good communication skills, intellect and a sense of humor.
For communication stage three we exchanged short answer questions. "If you could do anything you wanted without consequences, what would you do?"
Finally we arrived at stage four: open communication. Justin and I could e-mail each other through eHarmony's Web site. We began with the usual awkward questions about likes and dislikes and family background. However, any awkwardness felt during an e-mail is nothing compared to being on an actual first date.
When you're getting to know someone on the computer, the worst you can do is misspell your name. You can't spill your drink all over yourself or come back from the restroom to have your date point out that your zipper is down. eHarmony is a comfortable way to get to know a potential spouse.
Unfortunately, Justin was ready to leave the comforts of cyberspace more quickly than I was. After two e-mails he gave me his phone number and wanted me to call him.
I stalled.
A real guy was on the other end of my computer, and he was looking for a serious relationship. So was I . . . right? I wasn't so sure any more.
Although I wasn't having the best luck using Dr. Warren's methods, Traci Cunningham found that eHarmony kept its promises.
eHarmony introduced her to Dan on Dec. 19, 2003. "I read his profile and had a great feeling right from the start," Traci said.
Traci and Dan flew through the communication process and were soon talking on the phone for hours at a time. Ten days later, they were ready to meet. Traci's gut feeling about Dan was right on target.
"He knew right away that I was the one for him. And I knew the minute he left that he was the one for me," she said. Dan and Traci married in October 2004, nine months after they met on eHarmony.
Traci and Dan's story is one of many marriages eHarmony boasts. The site claims hundreds of marriages. According to a research article on the Web site, eHarmony couples are happier than other couples married for the same length of time.
The system seems to work for many people, except people who think they are ready for a serious relationship and when faced with the opportunity to start one, chicken out . . . and have to tell a cool guy the sad truth. Which is what I decided I had to do for Justin.
After pondering the situation for a couple days, I realized this wasn't what I wanted. I barely had enough time to fit in eHarmony. I couldn't keep up with all the matches. If I didn't have time to do the work required to meet someone, how would I cultivate a real relationship?
So I wrote to Justin and explained my situation, saying that I liked him but needed to just be friends for a while. Well, he liked that idea about as much as anyone who's been given the "friends" line before. He politely told me I'd know where to find him if I ever wanted a relationship.
eHarmony's log-in screen says, "when you're ready to find the love of your life," but eHarmony's motto is "falling in love for all the right reasons." I quickly saw that all of my "reasons" weren't right. I didn't want a serious relationship, and eHarmony is designed for people who are seeking marriage -- right now. I decided to pull out before too many emotions got invested.
But I may go back on eHarmony one day, after my life has calmed down and I've spent a few more Friday nights with my girlfriends and knitted a few more hats.
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