Cover Story
by Amanda Hewitt
"I thought she didn't like me because here she was out with this other guy, "
--Dr. Kopp
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Multnomah Professors Observe Changes in Dating Over Decades
The Kopps speak at the 2002 Multnomah missions conference. --Ambassador yearbook, photo
But these days, dating has become one big bubble of confusion for some. So many different views and definitions of dating abound that knowing what to do is difficult.
In the 1960s, a confusion of definitions ensnared Tom and Bonnie Kopp in a misunderstanding that kept them at arm's length, each upset with the other's choices. Mrs. Kopp, head of the women's ministry program, was dating during the 1960s when, even in the Christian world, dates were considered recreational activity. Often someone would date a different person each weekend with no expectations of a relationship developing.
Dr. Kopp, head of the intercultural studies department, however, had a different idea of dating. He was looking for an exclusive relationship. When he and Mrs. Kopp went out, they enjoyed themselves. But when Mrs. Kopp went out with another guy later, Dr. Kopp got the wrong impression. "I thought she didn't like me because here she was out with this other guy," he said.
Eventually, at the coaxing of their parents and through a church camp where they worked alongside each other, the two discovered the problem.
They were from different cultures so they had different definitions of dating.
In the 1960s, different realms for dating existed. The world's scene was famous for sex, drugs and guitars.
Many Christians, including the Kopps and Dr. Garry Friesen, a professor at Multnomah, describe the 1960s dating scene as recreational -- even for Christians. Singles often viewed dating as something to do on a Friday night. Mrs. Kopp said often four to six people would meet at a location, and then later in the evening, people might start to pair off.
Dr. Friesen said it was common for a person to date two different individuals on different weekends. Dating someone one Friday didn't mean he was committed to that person. Many people wanted to date someone they were compatible with, but it wasn't necessarily expected.
There was little or no sexual tension.
Just as the '60s are somewhat famous for free love and bouncing VW vans, the new millennium has made its cutting-edge mark on the sex scene, as well. STDs are commonplace, and doing the deed seems to be the No. 1 joke on sitcoms. Dating can mean a one-night stand, an exclusive relationship with the intent to marry or anything in between.
Some Christians are trying to find a more biblical way to date. Conservative dating methods exist today, just as they did in the '60s, but some would say that the new methods of finding a mate are taking purity to an extreme.
The chasm between worldly dating and Christian dating no doubt fans the flame of confusion.
Dr. Kopp's early idea of dating, called courting, resembles a view many Christian singles are trying today.
They view courting, or staying completely out of relationships until finding "the right one," and then moving into a serious, committed relationship, as a "holier" way to find a mate.
In a courting relationship, most of the time is spent in public, not in private. Dr. Friesen says courting is another form of dating: "You're just doing it in your parents' home."
Muriel Cook, biblical counselor at Multnomah, said receiving the father's approval to marry -- something common to courting -- can affect the woman's decision making skills.
The woman might get into the relationship and realize later that she does not want to marry the man even though her father already approved it. She may feel that if she backs out she may disappoint her father. In reality, the dad might not object to her leaving the relationship.
Also, some fathers may not have strong relationships with God or be as biblically mature as they should be. They might not be great decision makers to begin with.
In the 1960s, Christian American singles were enjoying recreational dating in groups.
In the new millennium, Christian singles are more focused on commitment, but they're still enjoying group hang-out time.
Perhaps the biggest change in dating methods is the definition of the word "dating" itself.
Christian singles have taken the concept of "courting" and formed what would have been called "exclusive dating" in the 1960s.
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